


Family Portrait

by TheEmcee



Category: The Magnificent Seven (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Drama, Homophobia, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-24 00:10:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12000822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEmcee/pseuds/TheEmcee
Summary: “In our family portrait we look pretty happy. We look pretty normal. Let’s go back to that.”





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters, fandom, or song lyrics.
> 
> A/N: I wanted to write something that wasn’t smut and, well, this came to mind. Feel free to leave a comment in the towel section down below and enjoy!

~…~

Family Portrait

Part One: ‘Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.’ – Lao Tzu

~…~

 

Never in his life had he been so nervous. There had been plenty of times when he had been; the first time he had asked a girl to a school dance, the time he signed up for the army, the first time he killed a man. Yes, there had been numerous times when he’d been nervous. And yet, none of them had prepared him for what he was about to do.

Goodnight inhaled deeply, held it for a moment, and exhaled slowly. Releasing his hands from the steering wheel of his car, he saw that they were shaking badly. Clenching them into fists, he held them that way for a good minute before unclenching them, hoping that that would diminish the trembling, but alas, it hadn’t worked. Hell, nothing probably would’ve helped quell his nerves, not even a few good shots of whatever liquor he managed to get ahold of.

Was it even worth it, what he was about to do? Would it even matter in the end? Would it change anything, or make it worse? 

His stomach was in knots, so much so that he feared he might vomit. Goodnight was sure he was paler than a ghost and sweating like a pig. Good Lord, why did this have to be so difficult?

Shaking his head, he grasped the keys, still in the ignition, and started to turn them. He was better off going home and forgetting about the whole thing. It would only bring ruin anyway. What had he been thinking when he decided to do this? Nothing would be worth the consequences. Not even…

Goodnight stopped when he heard his phone go off, the ringtone soft yet familiar. It was the one he had assigned for Billy. He didn’t bother getting his phone out to check what the message said; he had a pretty good idea. Shutting his eyes tightly, Goodnight took his hand away from the ignition, taking the keys with it. Clutching them in his fist, he counted to ten as he breathed in and out slowly in a vain attempt to calm himself down.

No matter how stupid or foolish doing this seemed, the reason why was far, far more important: Billy. 

Billy had been his saving grace when he came home after being discharged from the army. Getting shot had saved his life, something Goodnight found rather ironic, but it was Billy who saved his soul. Things hadn’t been easy on him while in the service, and coming back home to live a normal life again had seemed next to impossible. The nightmares alone would’ve drove any man insane, but it was the voices and the hallucinations that had taken the most toll on him. 

Hardly anyone understood. His baby brother, Joshua, had been there for him as best he could, but not even he could bring Goodnight back from the darkness that clouded his mind. It was Billy who kept him on the level, who stuck by him through the worst of it, who helped him fight his demons the most, even the ones Joshua didn’t know about.

When they had met, Goodnight had had no idea just how important Billy would be to him. Now, after almost fifteen years, he couldn’t imagine life without the man. Billy was the most important person to him and Goodnight would do anything for him, including this. After fifteen years together, after dating for so long and living together even longer, it was time to take that final step. They wanted to get married, and they wanted children. But as things were now, that couldn’t happen, not exactly, and that was because of one very big issue standing in their way.

Goodnight’s mother.

Now, Goodnight loved his mother dearly; after all, she had given him life, had raised him, had been there when his daddy died, and had given him a brother when she remarried, a brother who was one of his best friends. She could be kind and caring and considerate, but she was old-fashioned. His mother didn’t believe in homosexuality or gay marriage or that gay couples should raise children. A devout Christian, she was against anything she deemed ‘unnatural’ and that went against the teachings of the church. 

Goodnight had never told her he was gay. He had found out in high school, when he realized he’d rather ask the star quarter back to the dance instead of the girl he had been seeing. It had taken him a while to accept that part of himself, and when he had, all he could see was Billy. When the shame and guilt had finally ebbed away, because of Billy, he had found some semblance of peace in at least one area of his life. But he still kept it hidden from his mother.

He had never told her, and as a result, he had to hide how he felt about Billy. Family functions and holidays were spent without the love of his life, and Goodnight had to endure his mother’s not so subtle hints about wanting grandchildren and telling him about who was single in the neighborhood. Women he had never met would be sitting in his mother’s living room whenever he would visit, batting their eyes at him, trying to be coy and flirtatious while his mother would look on with pride and satisfaction, thinking that she would finally be ‘the one’. Unbeknownst to her, Goodnight already had a ‘one’ and she wasn’t going to like who it was.

And as patient and understanding as Billy was, he was also getting tired. Tired of waiting, tired of hiding, tired of being treated like a dirty secret. In the past few years, they had had more arguments over this issue than anything else and it was taking its toll on both of them. Goodnight owed it to Billy to do him right and to tell his mother about their relationship, even if it cost him the one he shared with her. As much as he loved his mother, his love for Billy outweighed it and Goodnight didn’t want to lose him, not after all they had been through.

Stuffing the keys into his pants pocket, Goodnight got out of the car and made his way to the front door. Each step weighed a ton and his heart grew heavier and heavier, but he pressed on. He knew the way like the back of his hand, knew every crack in the concrete pathway that lead to the front porch, and he briefly wondered if he’d ever miss it, because he knew this talk wasn’t going to end well. As he stood in front of the doors, Goodnight took a look around the large porch, trying to commit as much to memory as possible. There had been many times when he’d played on this very same porch, read a book on the porch glider, watched as Joshua would play with his toy dinosaurs and cars.

So many memories… Would his mother think of them when he told her? Doubtful.

Taking a deep breath, Goodnight opened the door and walked inside. Sunshine lit the house up as it did every did since before he could remember. Every room was the same as it had been since he was a child. Every piece of furniture, every book, every photograph, all in the same place as they had always been. How long would it take for him to forget how it all looked, what every book and photograph was? Although his mother’s house had long stopped being his home, the memories that were held within would always remain dear to him.

“Goodnight, is that you?” his mother’s voice called out to him. It sounded like she was in the kitchen, which would make sense. At ten o’clock in the morning, she usually had her morning tea before she would go out into the sun room and read.

“Yes, Mama, it’s me,” Goodnight replied. He walked through the foyer and down the hall that lead to the kitchen.

“It’s a good thing you called me this morning, otherwise I wouldn’t have enough tea for you,” his mother said as he entered the kitchen. “You know I usually only make enough for two cups for myself.”

“I know, Mama,” he said. She finished setting every up, putting the sugar and creamer on the breakfast table along with two cups and saucers and, of course, he tea kettle before she sat down. Goodnight followed suit, clasping his hands on his lap to keep them from shaking so badly. It didn’t work.

“Now, what is it that is so important that you just had to talk to me about it right away?” his mother asked him before taking her first sip of tea.

Goodnight cleared his throat. His mother looked at him expectantly. It was now or never. Now or never.

“Well, Mama, you know how I haven’t…uh, taken much interest in the women you’ve introduced me to for the past….ten years?” he started off, wincing just a bit. Even to his own ears he sounded different. “Well, that’s because…I…uh…”

“Of course I’ve noticed. I mean, honestly, Goodnight. You’re not getting any younger. Why, you’re forty; most men your age are already married with children. And all of the women I’ve introduced you to still ask about you, you know,” his mother replied. “Why are you asking? Are-“

His mother stopped. Her eyes grew wide and a big, bright smile spread across her face. She lit up like a Christmas tree and her body almost vibrated with excitement. Goodnight’s stomach fell as she continued. 

“Oh, my, goodness, Goodnight! You’ve met someone, haven’t you? Oh, baby, I am so happy for you! Why didn’t you tell me sooner? What’s her name? How’d y’all meet? How long have you been dating?” his mother practically gushed. Each question stung a bit harder and deeper than the one before it. 

“Mama, I…I’m not dating anyone. Not…not exactly,” he said a little loudly, cutting his mother off. Watching her face fall didn’t make him feel any better.

“Oh,” was all she said. Her body deflated and all of the excitement and joy left her, leaving only a sad, old woman behind. Clearing his throat again, Goodnight shifted his body closer to the edge of his stool.

“Mama, do you remember Billy?” he asked her. His mother blinked in confusion before a slight frown crossed her features.

“Your friend, Billy Rocks, you mean? What’s he got to do with this?” she asked, sounding a bit put off by the mere mention of Billy’s name. His mother had always thought he spent too much time with Billy when he could be out looking for a good wife.

“Well, Mama…I… You gotta understand that it’s not easy, trying to tell you this,” Goodnight said. He swallowed thickly.

“Goodnight, I’m your mother and I will always be your mother. Whatever you have to tell me, just tell me,” she said, her voice soft. She reached out and placed a hand over top of his clasped ones.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. Though he knew that his mother would change her mind once he told her the truth, he wanted to believe and hold onto the hope that she would be understanding and accepting. More than anything, he wanted to hear her say that she would always love and support him no matter what and that she would love to finally meet Billy and welcome him to the family. But Goodnight knew that what he wanted and what would be were totally different.

“Mama, I…I’m gay,” Goodnight finally managed to get out, opening his eyes and looking at her directly, his eyes staring into his eyes, and he watched as his frown appeared on her face. It deepened as his mother shook her head in denial.

“No. No, you’re not, Goodnight. I know you’re not. You’ve always loved women,” his mother said. He unclasped his hands and put one on top of hers. His heart fell when she retracted it.

“Mama, I am, I am. Billy, he’s… You see, Billy and I are together, Mama. He’s my fiancé,” Goodnight told her. He found that it was becoming easier to speak and that a weight was beginning to lift off of his shoulders, though they still remained tense.

“Goodnight, you stop this right now. This joke isn’t funny anymore,” his mother demanded, glaring at him in anger and hurt. He was breaking her heart. Did she know she was breaking his? Did she care?

“It’s not a joke, Mama. I’m tellin’ you the truth. Look at me,” he pleaded softly. He tried to reach out and take her chin gently, to make her look him in the eye, but she refused. She stood up and backed away from him, like he were some wild, deranged animal. His hand fell onto the tabletop.

“Goodnight, I mean it. I’ll not tolerate these…these…foul jokes in my house, now,” she told him, looking angrier by the minute.

“Mama, I told you, I ain’t joking. I’m gay!” he shouted, standing up. He was taller than she was, and yet she had never failed to make him feel small. Except for now. For once, he felt as tall as he was in her presence.

“Goodnight, I’m warnin’ you. I’m still your mother,” she snapped at him.

“Yes, you are, but you gotta listen to me. I’m gay, and Billy and I are engaged. Have been for two years now. We’ve been together for far longer than that,” he explained, lowering his voice, trying to be calm even though he didn’t feel like it. “I know this is shocking for you, but you gotta listen to me, Mama.”

“I don’t have to do anything, Goodnight. You need to stop talking nonsense now and tell me what you really wanted to talk to me about,” his mother replied through gritted teeth.

“This is what I wanted to talk to you about. And it’s not nonsense. I am gay,” Goodnight told her. He was starting to feel desperate.

“No, you’re not, Goodnight. No child of mine will ever be gay. It’s against God’s will, Goodnight. You know this. And it’s blasphemous to joke about it,” his mother said, her voice and expression sharp, her eyes glaring steadily at him. “You’re just…confused is all, son. Your mind is still jumbled from the war. That’s all.”

“Mama, I’m not confused and I’m not joking. I’m gay. Please, stop denying it and just…listen to me,” Goodnight sighed, losing his anger. He was feeling hopeless, more so than when he had watched his friends and comrades die all around him. 

“No, I won’t, Goodnight. I don’t want to listen to you,” she said.

“Mama, please. Billy and I-“

“That’s it! That explains it!” his mother cut him off, pointing a finger at him, her eyes wide with certainty, looking for like a mad woman than the woman who had raised him. “It’s all that Billy’s fault! I knew from the moment you first mentioned him that he was bad news, that he’d try to turn you against me and plant such…such wicked, disgusting thoughts in your head!”

“Nothing is Billy’s fault! He didn’t turn me against you! And we’re not disgusting and wicked, Mama! He loves me and I love him. Why can’t you just accept that?” Goodnight yelled at her, stalking towards her, anger and pain in his heart. “There’s nothing wrong with how we feel about each other! It’s natural!”

“No, it is not! It’s not natural. He’s not natural! And neither are you!” his mother yelled back. “It’s not natural. It’s not wrong and disgusting, and you’ll be condemned to hell for this, Goodnight! Don’t you see that?! Being gay is sinful!”

“No, it’s not! It’s a part of me! It’s who I am!” Goodnight retorted, his heart breaking with every word shouted. He desperately wanted to reach her, but he knew he never would. “Hell, you have another child who’s transgender! Is that unnatural? Is that sinful and hateful?!”

“Jade is not trans-anything! She is just…confused, like you! That’s all,” his mother grounded out, glaring steadily at him even though her eyes were full of tears.

“No, Mama. Joshua is trans-male. He has been for a long time now. You just refuse to acknowledge it, just like you’re refusing to acknowledge that I’m gay and that there’s nothing wrong with that,” Goodnight countered, his chest rising and falling with every heave.

“Both you and Jade are confused, that’s all. You just…need to come back to the church. You both loved it as children,” his mother said, trying to calm down, pleading with him, denial written plainly on her face.

“No, Mama. We don’t. Joshua is trans-male and I’m gay. And that’s it. It’s not sinful and we’re not damned,” Goodnight said, hoping that his softer tone would appeal to her. It didn’t. Back again was her cold, stone-like countenance. Her eyes were closed off and he knew that anything he would say now would fall upon deaf ears.

“Then you’re both going to hell. I’ll not waste any prayers on either of you,” she said with finality.

“Mama…” Goodnight began. Her glare stopped him. Never had he seen her so cold and hard, especially towards him. And it chilled him to the bone.

“I’m not your mama. You’re no son of mine. I’d never have a gay son,” she spat at him. “Now get out of my house. And don’t you ever come back again.”

She stood firm, her eyes boring into his very soul. Goodnight felt himself deflate and he took a step backwards, then another. The woman before him wasn’t his mother; he didn’t know this woman at all. He turned and made his way down the hall and out of the door, his mother trailing after him. Before he could shut the door, it was slammed closed behind him. The noise and the force of it caused him to flinch.

Stunned and numb, Goodnight stood on the porch for a minute. He blinked out into the sunlight. It was such a beautiful day; anyone would be happy for such lovely weather. Yet there he was, standing on his mother’s porch with a broken heart. Goodnight knew it would be painful, but he didn’t think it would hurt quite this much. But what had he been expecting? Did he honestly think she would welcome him with open arms?

No, no, he hadn’t. Goodnight wasn’t that naïve. But he couldn’t say that he hadn’t hoped…

After all, his mother had all but erupted when Joshua came out as trans-male, asking their mother to start referring to him as Joshua. That had been almost as bad as this. Their mother hadn’t outright denounced Joshua as her child.

Somehow, Goodnight found his way into his car and had driven himself home, though he didn’t remember actually doing so. He barely remembered getting out and opening the door to the house he and Billy shared. However, he did remember leaning back against the door and sliding down until he hit the floor.

Goodnight’s head fell against his knees and before he knew it he was crying. Tears tumbled down his cheeks and onto his pants and the floor. Snot dripped down his face and into his facial hair. His chest rose and fell with every heave and sob that wracked his body. He had no idea how long he remained that way, but eventually the tears subsided and although he would choke on a sob every once in a while and his heart pounded like a drum in his chest, he was starting to calm down.

His pocket vibrated and Joshua’s ringtone started playing. Digging into his pocket, Goodnight cleared his throat and answered his phone.

“Hey, Joshua,” he answered, sniffing after doing so.

“Hey, Goody. How’d it go?” Joshua asked, his voice full of concern. Goodnight could picture his brother’s face in his mind and it made him smile just a bit. It was nice to know that at least one part of his family would always be there.

“You know how our mother is,” was all Goodnight could think to say.

“I’m so sorry, Goodnight. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better,” Joshua said, his own voice sounding tight and constricted, like he was trying not to cry himself.

“Just…don’t abandon me like she did,” Goodnight managed to choke out, sniffing and choking back a sob as he did so. He didn’t want to cry again, but he felt like he might if he wasn’t careful.

“Never! You’re my brother. We’re family. That’s not what family does,” Joshua told him. Goodnight nodded, the ghost of a smile crossing his lips. He could envision Joshua’s fierce look and determination perfectly and it made him feel just a little bit better.

“You’re right, baby brother,” Goodnight muttered softly.

“’Course I’m right! I’m always right,” Joshua said. He was trying to make Goodnight feel better. Though it would take a lot more than just that to get him back on the level after this morning, it did help a little.

“I wouldn’t exactly say that,” Goodnight said softly. He stood up and his body felt stiff as he stumbled up the stairs towards the bathroom. A shower was in order and maybe a nice drink and a long ass nap.

“Hey, now, was that doubt I heard in your voice?” Joshua questioned. Goodnight chuckled softly as he entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

“Nope, there’s not a lick of doubt to be had, brother dear,” Goodnight told him.

“That’s what I thought. Well, I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Joshua asked, the concern still evident in his voice.

“All right, Josh. Tell Vasquez I said hi,” Goodnight said.

“Will do. Bye,” Joshua said before hanging up.

Putting his phone down on the sink, Goodnight looked at himself in the mirror. Though he was only forty, he looked much older than that, especially now. His mustache and bread were tinged with grey just like his hair. Eyes that had seen so much death and pain and suffering stared back at him, reflecting the hurt he felt within. At that moment, Goodnight felt much older than he looked.

Stripping down, Goodnight stepped into the shower and turned it on, letting the hot water rain down upon him, heating up the bathroom and scorching his skin. It felt good. As he let the water soak him to the bone, he replayed the conversation he had with his mom over and over again in his head, knowing there would have been no delicate way to put it, knowing that it wouldn’t have gone the way he had wanted to regardless of how hard he had hoped.

And yet, even through all of the pain and sorrow that was drowning his soul, Goodnight felt a sense of relief, small though it may be. At least his mother knew about him and Billy now and he would no longer have to hide it from her. Billy would be happy about that, and their arguments about that would cease. Knowing that he had done the right thing for his love and that things would get better was what made it bearable. 

The water eventually started cooling down and Goodnight quickly washed himself before turning it off and stepping out. His skin was pruned and tender from the hot water of the shower. He made his way to the master bedroom, drying himself off as he did so, and pulled out a fresh pair of boxers and an old shirt. After dressing himself and putting his used towel and clothes into the hamper, he collapsed onto the bed and closed his eyes.

A pair of lips on his temple woke him up from his long nap and Goodnight blinked blearily until his vision cleared. And then, there was Billy, crouching down beside him, his eyes full of worry.

“Hey, cher,” Goodnight greeted, stretching as he did so.

“You didn’t message me back, Goody,” Billy said softly. Though there was the tiniest bit of heat in his words, there was mostly concern. Just like Joshua, Billy knew how hard this morning was going to be.

“I’m sorry, Billy. I forgot about that. I was just…” Goodnight trailed off. He knew he didn’t have to explain. Billy and he always knew when something was wrong with the other, and given that Billy knew what Goodnight had planned for this morning, he didn’t need an explanation.

“It’s okay, Goody. I know,” Billy said. He pressed their foreheads together and closed his eyes. Goodnight did the same, smiling softly. Just being this close and intimate was all he needed to bringing him back down to earth. His heart wasn’t feeling quite as heavy as before and he was so thankful that Billy was in his life.

“I’m sorry,” Billy said when he pulled away. There was regret in his eyes and at that, Goodnight sat up on the edge of the bed. He took Billy’s face in both of his faces and looked him in the eye.

“Don’t you ever be sorry, Billy. It was worth it. You are worth it. I’d rather lose my mother than you, do you understand? That’s how much you mean to me,” Goodnight told him, leaving no room for argument. That didn’t mean that Billy wasn’t going to try to poke holes in his statements.

“You shouldn’t have to choose between your mother and me, Goodnight. It was wrong of me to ask you to come out to her,” Billy said. Goodnight surged forward and kissed the man fiercely, conveying all of his love into the kiss. Billy kissed him back with just as much fervor and Goodnight’s heart soared. When they parted, Goodnight gently grasped Billy’s neck and forced their eyes to meet.

“Now, you listen here, Billy Rocks. You didn’t make me choose between her and you. And you had every right to want us to be out in the open with our relationship. It wasn’t right of me to ask you to hide it, ya hear me? I should have done this a long time ago,” Goodnight told him. “I was just too much of a coward to do it until now.”

“You’re no coward, Goody. You’re the bravest man I know,” Billy countered fiercely. He always hated it when Goodnight put himself down.

“I can say the same thing about you, cher,” Goodnight retorted. They shared another kiss, this one far more chaste and sweet than the previous one, but it still felt like the first one they had ever shared. All of their kisses felt like that.

“I love you, Billy. Much more than you’ll ever know,” Goodnight told him.

“And I love you, Goodnight,” Billy said before pressing a kiss to his forehead. He stood up, bringing Goodnight with him. “Now, you need to eat.” Goodnight couldn’t help but chuckle at that.

“Yes, cher. Lead the way,” Goodnight said.

His heart felt lighter than it had since he felt his mother’s house. Though he may no longer be welcome in her home or her family, Goodnight hadn’t lost everything. He had his brother and he had Billy. As long as he had Billy, everything would be fine in the long run. Getting there might not be easy, but he would fight through hell and back for Billy and he wouldn’t regret any of it.

That was how much Billy meant to him.


	2. Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters or the fandom.
> 
> A/N: Here’s part two of this fic. Feel free to leave a comment in the towel section down below and enjoy!

~…~

Family Portrait

Part Two: ‘Silence is a source of great strength.’ – Lao Tzu

~…~

 

He was torturing himself. That’s all this was. He knew how his mother was. Time and time again she had proven that she wasn’t going to change, not by a long shot. Yet here he was. 

Joshua didn’t used to hate visiting his mother. Back when he had just moved out and would come by every Sunday for dinner along with Goodnight, everything had seemed great and all. Even though his mother had always insisted on calling him Jade even though he had asked her numerous times to call him Joshua because that was who he was and even though she would pester Goodnight about finding a good wife and having grandchildren. Anyone with a head on their shoulders could tell Goody was gay, especially when he met Billy after being discharged from the Army.

But now…

Their mother had disowned Goodnight and flat out refused to see Joshua as who he was, and Joshua was tired.

Ever since he was a child, Joshua knew he was meant to be a man. He always went after the boys’ clothing in the store and preferred to play with cars and dinosaurs than dolls. According to Goodnight and everyone else who knew Joshua, it was obvious that he was meant to be a man even if he hadn’t been born that way. But his mother didn’t see it that way. She thought that Joshua was just confused and needed to go to the church more and wear women’s clothing and make-up so that he could ‘get back in touch with her feminine roots’. Just thinking about it now made him shake his head with disgust.

No, it was obvious that his mother would never change, but Joshua still tried to reach her. And he knew that it wouldn’t do any good. Their mother was set in her ways and in her way of thinking. Goodnight was condemned and going to hell and so was he, according to their mother. There was no reason for him to want to go to her or talk to her. Joshua had told himself over and over that he was done with her and that he didn’t want to see her or talk to her until she could accept him and Goodnight.

Clearly, Joshua’s resolve wasn’t as strong as he had thought it was because he was back at his mother’s house after a good year of not seeing her and hardly talking to her. And why? Because he would be going under the knife for his second surgery, his phalloplasty, and for some stupid ass reason, he wanted his mom to be there.

This wasn’t the first time he had asked her to be present for one of his surgeries. Granted, his mother hadn’t shown up to his chest masculinization and he was completely fine with that. Okay, a small part of him was upset that his mother hadn’t shown up to give him moral support for a life changing procedure that he had wanted since he was eighteen, but he still wanted her to be there for the second one. Regardless of the fact that his mother would be a total buzz kill and probably cause tension between herself and Vasquez, Goodnight, and Billy. But the boy inside of him still wanted his mommy there with him no matter how bad she’d make the situation.

And Joshua knew that she’d tell him no. She had the first time he’d asked. However, Joshua was a glutton for punishment. If he were being honest with himself, he had hoped that such a life changing event would bring his mother around and make her realize that she was being a hypocritical zealot. Deep down, he knew that she would probably never see the error of her ways, but he still wanted to try.

Vasquez had told him the first time that he was being foolish, that his mother was never going to change. Joshua knew Vasquez wasn’t being an ass or anything like that; he was just protective. He didn’t want Joshua to get even more hurt than he had already been. Yet Vasquez also understood where Joshua was coming from. That was one of the best things about their relationship: they understood each other perfectly even if they didn’t say anything.

Shaking his head, Joshua rang the doorbell. He had given his copy of his mother’s house key back to her the last time he had visited. That had been quite some time ago. Now, he thought of his mother as more of a stranger than the woman who had given birth to him. Yet, he still wanted her present at his surgery…

“Jade? Oh, honey, I am so happy to see you,” his mother said upon opening the door. She gave him a hug, which he stiffly returned, and ushered him into the living room.

“Really? Considering how last time went?” he asked. 

Walking through the house was like walking through the past, even though he didn’t have that far to walk. A few steps and he was in the living room where he had watched TV with Goodnight; where he’d first made out with Vasquez while his mother was a bingo one afternoon; where his family first started falling apart.

“Oh, now, you hush. Why do you always bring up things like that, Jade?” his mother asked as she sat down on the love seat. Joshua sat down on the couch directly across from her.

“Ma, how many times do I have to tell you that my name is Joshua now? It has been for years,” Joshua asked as he situated himself. He sat on the edge of the cushion, elbows resting on his knees. 

“You were born my daughter and you will always be my daughter, no matter how hard you try to deny it, Jade,” his mother told him sternly. Her face softened and she gave him a small, somewhat strained smile. “Let’s put that past us now and just enjoy our visit, hm?”

“That’s going to be impossible, Ma,” Joshua said with a heavy sigh, running a hand through his hair. “I’m…getting my phalloplasty surgery next month. And…I…want you to be there…for me. Since, y’know, you are technically my mom.”

Joshua watched as the color drained from his mother’s face. Her eyes widened and her lips contorted into a deep frown. One hand rose up to clutch at the cross necklace she always wore. She looked simultaneously mortified and furious. 

“Jade, what are you saying?” his mother asked him through gritted teeth.

“Ma, I’m getting my second surgery, the one where they take out a good portion of my vagina and other workings and give me a-“ Joshua was cut off when his mother held out her hand for him to stop.

“That is quite enough of an explanation in my opinion, Jade,” she snapped. A shudder wracked her body and she glared at him once she had recovered herself. “Why would you go through such a procedure? Why…why…ruin what God gave you, Jade Alexandria Faraday? Why?!”

“I told you a long time ago I felt like I was born in the wrong body, ma. All you told me was that I needed to go to church more and make myself right with God and that he’d give me all of the answers. And then you told me to start acting more like a lady, dressing like one and all of that jazz. Ma, all I wanted was for you to understand and help me!” Joshua tried, yet again, to explain to her. 

“I did help you, but like always, you never listened!” his mother shouted, standing up, trying to look tall and imposing. Unfortunately for her, Joshua was taller and broader. 

“You think religion is the answer to everyone’s problems! But it’s not. Not for things like this,” Joshua countered, standing up. Now, she couldn’t look down on him. Now, she had to look up at him. “Complete strangers have been more understanding than you have ever been.” He said that last sentence so calmly and with a certain finality that his mother jerked back as though she had been slapped.

“I did not raise you to talk back like that, Jade,” his mother said once she had finally regained her composure. Her eyes had turned cold and steely and her hands were shaking by her sides. 

Very seldom had Joshua ever seen his mother so angry. When he was a child, the few times she had lost her composure had frightened him. She was, after all, his mother, and according to some relatives and family friends, she brought him into this world and she could take him out. At least, that was his perception when he was younger. Now, however, all he saw was a scornful, hateful harpy wearing his mother’s body and face.

“No, you didn’t. You raised me to be a bible-loving pushover,” Joshua retorted, his eyes never leaving her own. Even though tears were shining in his mother’s eyes, she wasn’t sad or fearful for him; she never had been.

His mother turned to the table beside the couch and opened the drawer. From it, she pulled her bible and grasped it to her chest for a moment, as though to conjure strength from it. After inhaling and exhaling, she approached him. Joshua stepped back, back, back until he was pressed against the wall with nowhere to run.

“’A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord God detests anyone who does this.’ Deuteronomy 22:5,” his mother recited from memory, glaring daggers into his eyes. “Psalm 10:7, ‘He who speaks against Me invites the devil to rule him.’”

“Exodus 20:18, ‘She without sin shall cast the first stone.’ You remember that one, don’t you, Ma?” Joshua threw back at her, prying his back off of the wall and stepping towards her. This time, it was his mother who backed away. “Levitcus 9:33, ‘Judge not lest ye be judged.’”

“It’s ‘he’, not she,” his mother counter weakly.

“I know that, but I wanted to get my point across,” Joshua told her. “I think I’ll be taking my leave now.”

He turned and strode toward the door.

“Jade! Jade, you get back here! Don’t you walk away from your mother, you hear?!” his mother screamed after him, but Joshua was already out the door.

Vasquez had been right. So had Goodnight, Billy, Sam, and everyone else who told him not to ask for her to be there. Hell, Joshua even admitted to himself that this was a torturous and stupid idea, but he had still done it. Getting into his car and ignoring his mother’s hands pounding on his window, he backed out of her driveway and started back home. He could sure use a drink right now.

Joshua had no idea how fast he was driving, but it only seemed to take a few seconds to get home. Slamming his car door shut, Joshua stormed across the yard and into his house. He made a beeline for the kitchen and opened the refrigeration, grabbing a beer and damn near down the entire thing in one gulp. Just as he was finishing it, he heard Vasquez come down the stairs.

“I heard you storm in, carino. Are you alright?” came Vasquez’s voice, getting closer as he neared the kitchen. Not even a minute later he stepped into it with his hands on his hips, his chest rising and falling, and his eyes full of worry.

“I’m just dandy,” was all Joshua said in response before throwing the beer bottle away. Vasquez watched him as he moved about the kitchen, putting the dishes into the dish washer and opening the freezer. “How about some pork chops for supper? It’s been a while since we’ve had an-“

Joshua stopped when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his waist. A firm chest was pressed against his back and lips grazed a kiss against his neck before Vasquez buried his face into the crook of his neck. It was only then that Joshua realized that he was shaking, his hands noticeable so, and that tears were welled up in his eyes, threatening to fall. His left hand was still grasping the freezer door handle and it was the only thing besides Vasquez that was keeping him standing.

Closing his eyes, Joshua leaned back against his lover’s body. Just as he had feared, his tears began to tumble down his cheeks. His body shook even harder and a soft, strangled sob escaped him before he even had time to quell it. Another kiss was pressed against his skin and the arms around him tightened.

“Sh,” Vasquez cooed softly, trying to calm him down. He ran his nose up and down his neck and Joshua did his best to focus on Vasquez and his voice.

While Joshua cried, Vasquez spoke to him softly, saying anything and everything to calm him down. They had been through this several times before, regardless of how tough of a front Joshua always tried to present. Even he had to admit that he wasn’t as detached and emotionless as he wanted everyone to believe. It didn’t help that he had always been a bit sensitive about his gender. 

For a good while after they had first started dating, Vasquez had genuinely thought that Joshua was, well, an actual man. It was during a rather heated make-out session that he had discovered the truth and Joshua broke down completely in front of him. He had been so certain that Vasquez was going to break up with him because he was a freak, a freak who had lied to him. Instead, Vasquez pulled him into his arms and held him, speaking softly just as he was doing now.

Whatever they had had before that had changed into something so much more. It had been casual dating, like any other normal high school couple, but after that moment, things changed. And Vasquez hadn’t been disgusted or horrified or angry that Joshua had kept a huge secret from him; quite the contrary. He had been compassionate and understanding and he hadn’t tried to tell Joshua that he was wrong for being the way he was. If anything, he supported him wholeheartedly, learned everything he could about what Joshua was going through and what procedures he’d have to get done to truly be who he was.

And it was in that moment, the moment when Vasquez had first held him so tenderly and had spoken to him so calmly and sweetly, that Joshua truly fell in love with him. Ever since then, no one else would do for Joshua. Vasquez was his one and only and they had built a solid foundation on the trust and respect and love that they held for each other. It sounded cheesy and lame, but it was everything Joshua could ask for and more.

If someone had told him prior to Vasquez that he would find a partner who would genuinely accept him, Joshua would’ve called them a liar, and probably would’ve punched them too. Now, he couldn’t imagine getting through day to day life without him. Sure, they bickered and fought, but it was always like an old married couple, as Jack had often said, and they always managed to work things out in the end. 

Joshua’s mother could go to her church and despise her children for being who they truly were. She could never talk to him again. She could disown him just as she had Goodnight. She could remain the same hateful zealot that she had always been. As long as Joshua had Vasquez, he had the world. And that was enough for him.

“How are you feeling now, Josh?” Vasquez asked him quietly, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Much better. Thank you,” Joshua managed to get out, his voice hoarse and his throat dry. He felt Vasquez nod and pull away from him. The loss of his lover’s body against his own made Joshua want to whine and pout, but he didn’t. Not now, anyway. Maybe later tonight.

“I’m glad to hear. Now, go sit down. I’ll take care of dinner. You’re in no shame to cook, even if your hands have settled down,” Vasquez said as he guided Joshua out of the kitchen and into the living room.

Joshua sat down on the couch and listened to Vasquez bustle around the kitchen. Leaning back against the couch, he closed his eyes and just listened. Pots and pans clanged. Food sizzled, butter melted, and water bubbled. A soft hum of some song he couldn’t name at that moment resounded softly throughout the house. Occasionally, Vasquez would curse, probably from burning himself or something turning out not quite the way he wanted it to even though anything he made was always delicious.

Merely listening to his lover in the kitchen calmed Joshua down even further, and as he sat in place he realized something. His mother would never come around and support him or Goodnight; she would never approve of their lifestyles or tell people how proud she was of her boys. And that was okay, because Joshua didn’t need her, not as he had when he had been a child. All he needed was his brother, Goodnight, a few close friends, and Vasquez.

Whether he was going to hell or not because of his life choices, he didn’t know and he didn’t care. Joshua was happy with his life and with who he was becoming. Nothing and no one could change that, not so long as he had a partner like Vasquez supporting him through it. Nothing else mattered to him but that.


End file.
